I’ve been struggling to come up with a post to update this thing, other then some racing schedules. I feel utterly overwhelmed. I feel like I dropped all the focus I had way back in the fall and it exploded into a million different pieces, each with it’s own trajectory. When I think about all of the things I want to do, my heart rate speeds up, and I feel a little breathless just simply thinking about it.
Part of the problem is a lucrative long term contract job that has pretty much sucked the life out of me and needs to come to an end. I need work that fills me with drive and motivation and learning, where I feel buoyed up by what I do, rather then sucked under the water. Sure, the money is great and all, but right now I’m not in it for the money. I’ve got empires to build here, people, and I need passion to do this.
The problem is that there are just so many damned things I want to do, that I’m not really sure exactly where to go from here. Actually, as I write this, I’ve deleted a few sentences about not really knowing what my passions are and forth, but I have to smile at myself. I know. I really DO know. I’m just scared. There it is, I said it. I’m afraid of success, or rather of failure. Same old story.
I’m balking at finding new work, I keep putting it off, I keep putting off the work I already have for smaller clients because I’m fucking scared of it. And I know why: because I haven’t been doing those smaller jobs for a while now, and I’m out of practice with the cycle. I honestly have to push myself to go to meetings, to send out resumes, to talk myself up, to do all the things that are absolutely required when you’re making a go of it on your own. Here I was thinking my problem was that I didn’t really know what I wanted to do.
My problem is that I’ve been too chicken shit to just do it.
This goes for novel editing, as well. Once I realized that I was emotionally invested in the product, that people wanted to read it, that there was pressure for it to get to a read-able state, I started avoiding it.
This post has been unbelievably cathartic. I feel like thanking someone, but I guess I can only thank myself for sitting down and writing it out. This is what I do, after all, when I have something inside that needs to get out. Write.
Hm.
BTW, that weird picture is of an insanely messy desk that I used on my other blog, but the cropping on this thing is shit. and i’m too lazy to do it myself.
You are doing just fine. You should JUST STOP stressing yourself out. You are trying to control life and that is a daunting task. Only the few have tried and not all of them successed at it. Your problem is lack of focus from too much of focus. Think about it.
i think my new mantra is “let go”. and that pretty much goes for everything…i would be better at snowboarding and mountain biking if i relaxed and just let go, less stressed out about work and trying to make everything perfect if I just let go, so on and so forth.
One of the main things I learned last year is that I cant control everything, I just have to try and put myself out there and see what the universe has in store for me. See what happens. So now I just have to make sure I keep doing it.
Not sure if I agree with the phrase “let go”. I would prefer “accept”. Meaning whatever life throws at me, I will just have to deal with it. The moment you accept your reality, you can start living it. Instead of trying to fight or control it (There is some level of control required in living ones reality. So control is not totaly a bad thing. One just have to know when control is applicable). To succeed in it, you must live it. I think.
Thanks for your comments, giving me something to think about.
I should clarify what I mean by my contract “sucking the life out of me”. Mostly related to the fact that it’s a long commute (and I detest driving), the office itself if pretty glum (gray, dark cubes), and I’m not really learning a whole lot that’s applicable to other web design and development. It’s so highly specific, I don’t feel like I’m able to take what I’ve learned there and use it for other projects.
you’re very welcome
I think you will feel a lot better in about a month or so (spring). This gloomy weather can do strange things to ones moral. But until then, go and enjoy what you loving doing — Get on your bike and work some sweat.
That is what the doctor ordered!!!!
You’re being of the bike too long girl
I can relate as I’m in a somewhat similar situation. Not fulfilled by the work I do, but it pays the bills. Sort of know what I want to do, not sure how to make the transition. I have about another year on this contract. I think I can make it as long as I don’t go into another total slump about it. Knowing it will end helps.
You’re very fortunate that you’re creative, and talented, and experienced, and resourceful, and that you KNOW what you want to go. So, just do it. oh, and remember there are always options.