Kristin Rides

Long post alert!

Well, half of me feels great. I am on day 5 of Precision Nutrition, and I have had 100% compliance. I think the thing I am most proud of right now is the fact that I have gone out twice to bars and have ordered tea. And it wasn’t even horrible. I wasn’t squirming in my seat for a beer, I wasn’t thinking about how I was missing out, I just felt great! Amazing. Eye-opening. I’m excited that I can go out and have fun and not be a drinker, I can have a good time without being intoxicated. I know is sounds stupid to say something like that, but it is kind of a revelation; I think what made me really consider this amazing idea (going to a bar and not ordering an alcoholic drink) is 1) the most fun I really have in life is out on my bike, and 2) there are people in this world who never drink, like my brother, and they seem to be OK with this. I also didn’t like the idea that I felt like I needed social lubrication; turns out that is totally not true. I can go on blind dates and meet new people and be 100% sober.

Because of going on Precision Nutrition, I am also taking up cooking again; I bought a crock pot and plan on making a lot of soup and stews and hearty wintry foods. I am actually using recipes and making unusual things, rather then just making stir fry every.single.night. The last five days I’ve also been mostly gluten-free (except steel cut oats out of the bulk bins, which do contain some gluten because of cross contamination). I can’t say for sure that I really have a gluten sensitivity because I’ve never been tested, but I can certainly tell you I feel so much better when I don’t eat any. Actually, I feel better when I don’t eat any grains at all, save a little bit in the morning or after a workout. Which of course is the whole theory because carb timing with PN. This whole new way of eating is coming at a very important time, since I can’t really workout as much as I’d like, and for the first time in my entire life, I’m OK with that. This is…a real revelation (seems to be a theme this blog post).

Something that I’ve realized over the last 15 or so years of trying to lose weight at various points, is that exercise, while very important, only gets you so far. I used to be one of those people who would binge (yes I think I could easily say I have an eating disorder) and then run out and try to sweat it out of me. I would literally go to the gym at 10pm at night, full of guilt (this is actually considered a form of binging and (non)purging, except the purging is exercise). However, you would have to do something like 6 hours of intervals to shed those calories, it’s just not going to happen. And even in less extreme cases, straight up calorie-for-calorie, you just can’t sweat out those extra calories, at least without severely overtraining.

This is where the exercise guilt comes in. If I’m trying to shed a few pounds and I miss a workout, then I feel that much more behind and I’ll never succeed. Now? I don’t worry about it, because I know that I’m eating well, and I exercise plenty for weight loss. I don’t need to go to the gym and kill myself 90 minutes a day, that’s crazy. And I’m talking “gym” right now instead of riding because I’ve been taking a bike break (more on this in a bit), but I really mean any form of exercise.

If you know me, you know I live in a world of extremes; finding balance in any arena, be it work, cycling, social life, whatever, is incredibly difficult. I don’t know if that’s just how I’m hard-wired or what, but that’s just how I operate. And this is one spot where I’m finally starting to see a kind of balance. I trip up from time to time, last week was a baaaad one for me, but I’m getting there. Just takes time.

And now to the other part of this post: while I’m feeling really positive on that note, I’m feeling really depressed about my knee. I went and saw a doc at OHSU, and I heard the same damn story I always hear. Nothing is really wrong, per say, I just have “runner’s knee” and IT Band Syndrome. Sweet. So I’m headed for 4-6 weeks of intense physical therapy, and if it’s not better, then I’m have to go back to OHSU and they might have me get an MRI or something. I’m just built poorly, I have muscle imbalances, etc etc etc. I almost cried about three times. I’ve tried strengthening, I feel like I’ve tried everything. And yet here I am again. I guess I just have to realize that this is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life, and the only way to get by will be to work on it, every damn day.

It sucks. Bad. He said “wow, your IT band is actually pretty loose.” Yeah, that’s because I’ve been foam rolling the shit out of  it. It better be loose. Anyway, I start PT on Monday, we’ll see how it goes. I don’t expect miracles, although there is a tiny, tiny beaten-up part of me that has hope.

Hence the title of this post: Feeling Bipolar. Half of me is really optimistic about the future, and the other half is frustrated with my injury and sinking into SAD, despite the recent bout of sunshine (yay!). At least the PT will give me something to focus on, and that’s what I really need.