After I found out about Brett yesterday (right when i sat down at my desk at work…) I went home in tears, and cried for a long time. Thankfully my boyfriend stayed home with me; we went out to lunch together, where I had some trouble ordering or just thinking straight in general. I was doing a lot of reflecting, as death tends to make you do, about the meaning of my life, my job, what I hold important.
After lunch I did what I always do when I’m grieving; I went outside and beat myself to near death. I took my mountain bike out to Forest Park and rode. And rode, and rode some more. I rode until I was blinded by my dehydration headache and was shaking from low blood sugar. I rode until my hips were beyond toast and the only thing I could possibly think about was each pedal stroke. Whenever I’m in this situation, nature always sends me a sign. I know it sounds insane…but I was up on firelane 12, and a huge hawk flew down and landed about 10 feet away from me. And stared at me. And just watched me as I passed it, pushing my bike slowly up the steep climb. It was eerie, but it seems like I always see a huge hawk or eagle or something whenever I’m truly upset.
When I finally made it back to the car, a bunch of Portland Velo people were all there, as it turns out by coincidence. They were all laughing and having a beer; I was out of sorts and felt a bit foggy. They asked me how long I had been out there, I said since 2pm, they were in shock. I thought it was maybe 4pm, so I didn’t think it had been that long…turns out it was 5:30pm. And I hadn’t eaten anything and barely had any water the whole time. I was in a bit of shock…I had some clif shot bloks in my car thankfully, because it was then that I realized how messed up I was.
After a quick shower I headed downtown to meet some friends of mine from Art Media, and we sat around at VC’s, drinking and talking about Brett. It was really nice, sharing all of our great memories of an amazing person. We talked about death, and the meaning of our lives, and my friend said something that I won’t soon forget. I was talking about how I didn’t feel like what I was doing was very meaningful, but I didn’t know what I should do to make my every day meaningful…and he said that it wasn’t that what Brett did was that meaningful in itself (build canvases, paint, work at a bike shop), but that he made it meaningful. He shared his life with people, and connected with people, and that’s what was so amazing about him. You could know him for 5 minutes and feel like he’s your best friend. That is what life is about: people. Connecting with those around you and sharing your what you have with everyone.
